


Shattered

by Hecate1412



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Gen, I don't want to spoil the plot, Lance is unhappy, Langst, Mentions of Suicide, also, and he would do anything to feel wanted, but he loves the stars, but sometimes when you shatter its too hard to put the pieces back together, haggar actually feels pity for Lance, he doesn't turn evil that though, keith isn't helping, memory problems, the poor boy suffers, which is good
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-05-07 03:23:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14662284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hecate1412/pseuds/Hecate1412
Summary: There’s a mirror in your soul, a reflection of who and what you are at your very core. It can crack and fracture, but you can still be you even if it’s a little broken. The problem is when the mirror shatters. When the mirror shatters, you lose yourself. The core of your existence fades and it’s not something that can easily be fixed.This is not something Lance believed he would ever have to experience and it's not something the paladin's realized was happening until it was far too late.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to put this at two chapters because it should only be two chapters but it may turn into three. Never written for this fandom, but I love being a part of it and finally decided to write out one of my ideas, so i hope you enjoy.

 

Lance was tired. Between the constant battles and the training and the team bonding and the general lack of sleep, his health had slowly deteriorated and his exhaustion did help. He was tired from the harsh looks of disappointment tossed his way whenever he opened his mouth. He was tired of being ignored, and he was tired of being seen as useless. He knew he wasn’t useless. Blue purred into his mind constantly throughout the day, humming songs of his valor and his strength and his worth. Truthfully, it was thanks to blue that he was able to stay sane and it was because of his family that he was able to keep moving forward.

Lanced missed home. He missed his family who actually paid attention to his existence, who would play off his flirtatious behavior and joke along with him because that’s how they acted around each other--that’s how he acted around his family. He thought Voltron was his family, but slowly he was starting to realize that perhaps that wasn’t true.

Fighting in space was getting harder with every passing Quintent. Lance did his best to put up with the others. They were stressed and tired as well. They were trying their hardest as well. He wasn’t the only one suffering, he knew this. It’s not like he wasn’t trying though. He trained by himself on the nights when he could spare it, he studied Altean because if he wasn’t a strong tactician, he might as well find something he could be useful for if the Princess or Coran weren’t around. He was doing his best, but it didn’t seem to matter.

They’d just returned from a rescue mission. They’d received an SOS signal from a planet claiming they were being attacked by Galran forces, and so The Castle moved into action immediately. The lions had been launched and the battle had been long and exhausting. Lance had done his best. He felt like he could do anything when he was with Blue. He felt like there were no limitations, and he had done well. Every time they took out a gaggle of battleships, Lance would hear her girl roar in triumph, and it made him feel good. It made him feel like he was doing good…but then they returned to the castle.

“Lance, what the hell?” Keith shot as they all gathered in the lions' den. They would usually meet there for a quick debriefing before separating and returning to whatever task they needed to attend to. Lance was flying high upon landing, although he kept his excitement to himself. He had long since learned that the other’s found his outbursts annoying so he kept to himself.

“What do you mean 'what the hell?'” Lance shot, his good mood plummeting faster than the Galran warship they’d just sliced through.

“You can’t just go off on your own. We had a plan and a formation, and you just went off on your own!” Keith snapped as if he were the leader and not Shiro. He did that a lot. He would voice Shiro’s thoughts, so Lance knew without having to look to their leader that the black paladin agreed with the red paladin.

“I did my job, I don’t understand what the problem is?”

“You could have gotten someone heavily injured or worse, Lance,” Shiro pipped in. “We fight in formations for a reason, and it’s so that we have each other’s back. Fighting is dangerous, so we have strategies like this for a reason. You can’t just dismiss them."

“But no one got hurt,” Hunk reminded motioning to all five paladins who were clearly alive and well. “So, I don’t understand what the problem is. Lance did his job, and he did it well!” Lance felt a surge of pride knowing his best friend would always have his back so long as the situation warranted it. If Lance really had messed up, he would understand Hunk not having his back, but he also knew Hunk would be gentler in his scolding’s.

“That’s not the point. Someone could have been injured.”

“Not that Lance would have noticed. He was too busy going off and doing his own thing!” Keith huffed, “As usual. And you accuse me of not being a team player.”

“Lance, I just want you to be more careful,” Shiro explained. “We train for a reason, and we have plans like this for a reason. If you go off an do your own thing, then it could put the entire team at risk.”

“What’s the point of telling him this, Shiro? He’s not a good flyer, he never has been. He just doesn’t understand,” Lance silently took the insult, smiling softly, trying to ignore the way the jab stung.

“Lance isn’t a bad flyer, Keith. And just because you got knocked around a bit, doesn’t mean you get to take it out on Lance,” Pidge came to his defense as well, which would have made Lance happy, but the damage had already been done.

“Pidge, it’s alright,” Lance a hand on her shoulder. “Keith is right, I should have been more careful. I thought I was acting in a way that would benefit the team, but it seems I messed up again. I’ll get better, I promise.” He directed the words at Shiro, and while he was being truthful, he felt rather empty. “I’m sorry my best doesn’t seem to be good enough yet,” he mumbled under his breath, turning and walking away from the group.

He debated returning to his room. That was where he usually went when he felt upset, but he also knew his room was the first place Hunk would look for him. Lance didn’t want to be found yet. He wanted a little time to himself to process everything that had happened during the space fight and everything he’d done incorrectly. If he could figure out what he did wrong, then maybe he wouldn’t do it again in the future, right?

He found himself in one of the many observatories hidden around the Castle. So far Lance had managed to find ten, each varying in size. This was a smaller place, a dome that seemed was jutt slightly off the castles surface. He had to take a ladder down to reach it. The gravity never worked in this specific observatory, which is why Lance liked it. He loved the weightlessness of floating surrounded by stars. He liked the slightly confined space. It made the vastness of the galaxy feel both larger and smaller. He liked the fact that no one on his team had ever been able to find him here since he discovered it however many months ago.

He liked the quiet.

There was still the hum of Blue in the back of his mind with her soft encouragements, and there were Keith and Shiro’s insults and critiques. He tried not to focus on the negative. He tried to focus on the warmth of Blue’s presence in his mind. It was comforting, it was like when his Mama used to sing while she cooked, and all the kids would be napping in the living room after a day of being out in the sun. It was comfortable, and Lance felt like he could drop all his walls when he was here. He didn’t have to fake his smile or his cheer. He didn’t have to force his jokes or pretend to be okay when Keith, Shiro, or Allura went off about how disappointing he was.

“It really is a shame, mi Hermosa,” He spoke softly. Lance doubted anyone would be listening to him here, but still, he was quiet. He didn’t want to be loud. “I loved space. I still love space. It’s beautiful and indescribable. It’s nothing next to your beauty, but it’s just…I used to stare up at the night sky wide-eyed as a kid. There was nothing I wanted more than to be able to explore the vastness and the unknown. Space is essentially infinite, new planets and star clusters could be coming into existence even as we speak. Even though we are fighting a war, this should still be something beautiful. There’s so much out here, so much to see and experience, so why don’t I feel happy? Little Lance would have killed for an opportunity like this, he would have been staring at everything wide-eyed with absolute amazement, and yet,” Lance wasn’t sure when the last time he’d felt that awestruck wonder he had as a kid. His childhood felt so long ago--so distant--part of him felt like it had been a dream.

“I don’t even remember what that feeling feels like,” he sighed. He felt like he’d slowly been losing himself since they’d gotten to space. Lance was a hard worker. He was a competitive person as well, it was the price of being in a big family. The better he did at something, the more his family would notice, but his best was never good enough here. He trained and he did his best, but he’d never really fought before coming into space. He did his best with the training exercises, trying to hide how he really felt. It was easy to hide. He’d been hiding it since he’d started at the garrison. He was so competitive with Keith because that’s how he learned. He improved through challenges, it’s how he mastered English. His older brother and he were racing to see who could read the harry potter books fastest in English, but to do that, they both had to learn English. He was doing to Keith what he’d done with his own siblings, but the guy didn’t respond how Lance was used to.

“I know Hunk wants me here. Hunks my best buddy. If he wasn’t here, I don’t think I would have lasted as long. I’m wearing thin, mi Hermosa, I can feel it. Every time they berate me or snap at me or look at me in that way that tells me I’m worthless, I can feel myself slipping away. I can feel how much harder the act is to keep up. I can’t even remember the last time I genuinely smiled without it being forced or fake.” He took a deep breath. “Pull up an image of Earth,” Lance called out to the holographic imagery unit placed towards the top of the dome. The lights dimmed, and the machine whizzed to light, pulling up a nearly HD three-dimensional rendition of his home. He smiled softly, rotating the planet till he found his homeland of Cuba where much of his extended family still lived, where he and his family often visited from California where they had long since settled.

“What’s the date on this planet?” He asked. The machine spit out a date and Lance sighed. They’d been gone for nearly a year now. It didn’t feel like a year to him, but time must work differently in space than it would on any planet. He’d missed birthdays and anniversaries and first days of school. He’d missed Dia de Los Muertos this year and couldn’t help but wonder if his family had added his picture to the mantle.

“Oh…” he could feel the tears coming, and that was the last thing he wanted. He didn’t want to cry, he was a paladin of Voltron, he had to make sacrifices for the greater good of existence. He had to be brave. He wasn’t supposed to cry. What did he have to cry about anyway? This was an honor, after all. His family would be proud that he was performing such a duty…at least that’s what Allura always preached when he found himself falling into the hole of homesickness.

“Bring up the Aquarius star cluster,” Lance ordered, “And close the exterior blinds of the observatory and mute the lights. The machine went to work, removing the original hologram of Earth. Metal blinds slowly slid over the dome windows, while the lights muted. It was a few more seconds until Lance found himself in complete darkness. He couldn't see anything around him at all, but then the hologram activated, bringing his favorite constellation to life around him. It shone light into the room, bright, but also dim. There was still darkness around the stars, but they emitted a warm glow that covered the space. Lance loved it. He felt like he was floating in the vastness of space around actual stars (not that they would ever be this small). It was peaceful, and Lance quickly found the exhaustion catching up and overtaking him. A nap wouldn’t hurt, and it’s not like this was the first time he’d fallen asleep here.

Lance had no clue how much time had passed when he finally opened his eyes. It was still dark in the room and the star clusters were still floating around him like a better version of the Star Wars star maps. He'd rested well. He hadn't felt this rested in a while, and if anything serious had happened, he knew Blue would have woken him, so he was a little shocked when he finally emerged from his hiding place that the team was searching for him.

“Where the hell have you been?” Keith snapped because of course he was the first person Lance ran into.

“Nowhere important,” Lance yawned stretching out. He felt Keith’s eyes narrow.

“Nowhere important, huh? So, slacking off?” Lance sighed, ignoring the way the accusation stung.

“Yes, well sometimes people need a little time to themselves, Keith. You should try it sometime, maybe you’ll act less like a total jackass.” The comment had come without thinking and Lance’s sighed again. Shiro had basically ordered him to stop baiting Keith. He could only imagine how this could play out.

“No one else is taking time off. They’re all working on something to help improve the team. What do you do, Lance? Prance around the halls like you own the place, distract everyone, weigh us down. If you wanted a little time to yourself, you should have been training. At least then you would have been providing some use.”

“And what’s the point of wearing myself out after we just had a massive battle? What use would that do if we got called into battle again after I finished training? I would be in worse condition, I would be less responsive and someone could be at an even high risk of getting injured because I wouldn’t be one-hundred percent there?”

“You’re never one-hundred percent there. You’re barely even fifteen percent there. You’re unfocused and undisciplined and it’s going to catch up to us soon. When it does, I’ll be waiting with a square punch to the face and an ‘I told you so.’” Lance sighed.

“Noted, Keith. Sorry for wasting my time instead of doing something useful. Guess it doesn’t matter if I’m rested enough to do my job so long as I don’t hold someone back. Now, why are you looking for me?”

“You missed team training.” Lance gave him a questioning look because they hadn’t had any team training scheduled for today. “Allura wanted us all to work on our bond so we could form Voltron faster, and you were nowhere to be found.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know we were doing team training. I would have been there if someone told me.”

“We tried, but you were off doing god knows what, wasting your time. We’re at war, Lance. You need to think about the team and the galaxy more than yourself.”

“Yes, thank you captain obvious.” Lance wanted to walk past him, but he doubted he would make it far. Keith had singled him out, and all Lance could really do was take the heat and hope he didn’t melt. Maybe if he stated his purpose. “Where’s Shiro?”

“The common room, probably.” Lanced nodded an empty thank you towards Keith, and paced down the hall. He expected Shiro to be upset with him, and he expected to be yelled at by the Princess who would no doubt deem his behavior unacceptable. He would be preached the same thing over and over again. We’re at war, think about someone else besides yourself.

Lance took a deep breath before entering the common space. Sure, enough Shiro was there with the Princess. They had a map of the castle pulled up on the table and were clearly searching for any trace of him.

“Evening, handsome man and gorgeous lady!” He greeted, plastering a smile on his face like it was the easiest thing in the world. “What could possibly have two beautiful people like you looking so stressed out?”

Shiro turned on him, concern and anger written on his face.

“Where the hell have you been?” There was more bight to his bark than Lance had anticipated, and his smile faltered.

“I’ve been around.”

“Around where?” Allura asked. She also looked annoyed. “Goofing off no doubt.”

“Funny, that’s exactly what Keith accused me of. I was tired, I fell asleep. I’ve been doing a lot lately and the exhaustion finally caught up.”

“Doing a lot?” Allura scoffed, “Lance you’ve barely been doing the bare minimum. Keith is doing a lot. Pidge is doing a lot. Shiro is doing a lot. Even Hunk is doing more than you do in comparison.” Lanced smiled at her, it was wide but empty.

“Funny how you have all these monitors and cameras on the ship, but they only ever manage to catch me when I’m not doing anything, Princess. And if you must know I was in one of the observatories studying star charts," which is what he would usually do even though he hadn't today. "Since you all have deemed me as incapable of just about everything else, I figured I might as well learn how to chart our location in case we get separated from the castle again. I suppose that counts as goofing off though.” The princess looked shocked by this revelation but it didn’t last.

“Where were you?” she asked again. “You’re life signs didn’t show up anywhere in the castle.” Is that why they were panicked?

“And you’ve been acting distant lately,” Shiro noted. “Not like the usual Lance.” He wondered what they classified as the usual Lance. He was surprised they’d even picked up that he’d been distancing himself. It hadn't been a conscious shift, but the more they berated him the less he wanted to be around them. He was tired of feeling like he was worthless, and he always found himself feeling worthless when he was around the others for too long.

“I was still in the castle.”

“We know that much. Blue was still in her hanger, and none of the shuttles had left the ship. We couldn’t find your life signs, Lance.” And then it clicked. They had thought he may have killed himself.

He hadn’t meant to laugh, but the bark came out anyway, shocking his seniors. “Would it have really been that bad if I had been dead? You make it pretty obvious that I’m the weak link of the team. Blue would have hated it, but I’m sure you’d have been able to find a more competent replacement.”

“Lance, that’s not true.”

“Shiro is correct. We need you, Lance,” he laughed again and glanced towards the princess. It wasn’t a particularly harsh look, he didn’t have the energy to muster that kind of emotion. It was just a look, an empty one, and he wasn’t sure why it startled her.

 _“You don’t need me, you just need a paladin to fight your war.”_ He said. There was no bite, but there was conviction in his words. And even if the princess believed what he said was false, she was too shocked that Lance had just spoken to her in her mother language to respond. Shiro looked between the two, confused by the exchange that happened, and Lance let his body relax. He smiled at Shiro as if nothing were wrong. “I’m sorry for missing team training. If you give me a heads up next time, I won’t be late. I promise.”

He’d been making a lot of promises lately, most of which he followed through with. He didn’t miss another team training, he followed the formations, even though it allowed the Galra to do more damage to the home planet they were trying to protect. He held his tongue when he was berated for not doing anything to stop the ships from targeting the surface. He trained more often, although he found himself doing it in one of the larger observatories. He felt better there, less stressed. The consequence was that there was no record of his privet training sessions, so no one ever believed him when he claimed he was practicing. He’d gotten better with his rifle, it should be obvious, but he was just lazy Lance to everyone, right? Why would they have noticed improvement since he was still below par?

It was hard. Existing was getting harder from a day to day basis. Lance found himself putting up with everyone’s crap because when they were able to get their frustrations out (usually on him) they became more efficient. And since he was so unless everywhere else, he figured he could at least do this for the team. They were the important ones after all. They needed to be at their best. Lance was expected to slack off.

Lance had been wondering how long he would be able to continue like this. He felt broken and tired. It was hard to even fake a good mood anymore. Hunk did his best to make him feel happy and useful. While Lance was thankful for his wonderful friend, his efforts had little effect. So Lance continued on, doing as he was asked, retreating to an observatory when he needed time to try fix the fractured pieces of his determination and willpower. He was struggling, but he would do his job. He had a family to protect, and if he was going to risk his life in a war no one on earth knew about, then he would be doing it for his family alone because currently, they were the only thing keeping him going.

Everything fell apart during a rescue mission at a prison camp located on some isolated planet. Pidge had intercepted communications from a transport ship, talking about relocating certain prisoners and she was convinced her father would be there. So they made the plan, they made the trek, the split into teams, and for some ungodly reason, Lance ended up with Keith. There didn’t appear to be much security guarding the place, which was odd. Lance thought it was odd and he voiced this before they launched, but no one paid him mind. Why would there be security? This was supposed to be a hidden prison camp.

The goal was to get in, rescue the prisoners, and get out. They made it to the surface no problem, and they invaded the prison with a little hacking from pidge, then they fanned out and rescued the prisoners. Things were going smoothly…and then they weren’t.

Allure’s panicked voice filled the radio. The Galra had arrived with an entire fleet, and they had to get out of there asap or else they could risk capture. If Zarkon got the lions, then the war was lost and so on and so forth. It was the same speech, but they all understood the urgency. The problem: Lance and Keith had only managed to search a fraction of the cells, and so far they’d found nothing, but Lance could have sworn he heard someone calling for help.

“We’re leaving!” Keith ordered and they raced through the hall. He hadn’t realized Lance had stopped until he looked back and found the taller boy staring down one hallway.

“I can hear someone, I’m going to go search!” Lance didn’t bother to wait for a response, just pivoted and booked it down the hall, checking every cell as he went. He could hear Keith calling out to him from behind, and he should be thankful the red paladin had decided to follow his stupid ass because the ceiling to cave in right over Lance’s head. Keith body slammed him out of the way, barely escaping injury outside of a few bruises at best.

“What the hell!” He hissed, already on his feet and looking for a new escape route. “We don’t have time to be wasting time, Lance, but I guess that’s all you’re good for!” Lance huffed, trying to get his lungs to work. He was panicking. He wasn’t sure if it was due to the near death experience or something else.

“I heard someone calling for help.”

“There’s no one down here, Lance. We already checked this hall, remember? Or were you not paying attention?” They hadn’t checked this hall, he was certain. He was sorta certain. The way Keith glared at him quickly left him doubting himself. “You almost got us killed!”

“I’m sorry!” Lance shot, slowly pushing himself to his feet. The world spun, and he wondered if he’d hit his head.

“Of course you are, that’s all you can be, isn’t it? You mess up and your sorry. You’ll do better next time, but then you mess up again, and all you can say for yourself is sorry. How useless can you be?”

“I’m trying my best.”

“Well try harder. We don’t have time to find a new Blue Paladin, Lance, so we can’t lose you.” The words stung. No, that was too soft a description. It felt like the ceiling had actually toppled on top of him. It was like the oxygen had disappeared. It was like he’d been hit with a tidal wave of every negative exhausting emotion that had tried to surface over the past year. He finally understood. Nothing he ever did would be good enough for anyone. He would always be useless.

“I’m sorry for being useless, Keith.” Keith may have flinched, or maybe Lance had made that up. He didn’t really care anymore. Why should he? He was only around because they didn’t have time to find a new paladin, apparently.

“Lance, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Yes, you did, but don’t worry. Let’s just get out of here.”

“Fine, but we need to talk later.” Lance hummed a response and nodded towards their exit. All the sense of urgency had drained from him. Keith hurried along, and Lance tried to keep up with him…until he couldn’t. He couldn’t find a reason. Why should he try to escape? They didn’t want him. They didn’t really need him. There was an entire universe of people to choose from, they’d be able to find a replacement. Lance wasn’t needed after all.

He hadn’t realized he’d stopped moving until Keith yelled at him through the radio.

“Where are you! I thought you were behind me?”

“I’m creating a distraction,” he lied far too easily. “There were sentries tailing us, and I wanted to make sure you had time to get to your lion. They need you in the sky. I’ll be fine.”

“I’m coming back for you!”

“No! Keith, go! I’m fine! I swear it.” A swear instead of a promise. Was there much of a difference?

“Fine, just be careful. I’ll come get you when the coast is clear.” Sure he would because they didn’t have time to find a new blue paladin so they would have to stick with Lance. Lance let out a long breath and looked around. There weren’t any sentries. He and Keith had taken out most of the sentries on thier side of the prison. He was completely alone, or he should have been, except he could still hear someone calling his name. It didn’t sound like any of the paladin’s, so it must have been a prisoner. Then again, how would a prisoner know his name? Did he really care?

Lance followed the voice absently, stopping at each new corridor to gauge where it was coming from. He wasn’t entirely sure how long he’d been walking when he turned a corner and found himself in a hanger. He hadn’t even known there was another hanger at the prison, but here it was. A large open area with a purple Galran ship docked on the floor. The ramp was down, and there was someone standing at the base. Lance couldn’t see them that well, it was as if his vision was switching between two different images, but he found himself approaching anyway. He didn’t feel threatened by their presence, then again, at this point, he wasn’t feeling much at all. He couldn’t even bother to put on a fake smile as he approached the figure. He just stared silently, watching the cloaked figure.

“Who are you?” he asked. Still not entirely sure what he was looking at. He wasn’t sure what was wrong with his vision, but part of him felt he was staring at his older sister. He missed his older sister. He missed his family.

“You look tired,” his sister spoke, but her voice was warped. It wasn’t what he remembered.

“I don’t think tired is the right word,” he admitted. “I don’t even feel like myself anymore.”

“Perhaps you just need a long rest?” She suggested, brushing some stray hair behind his ear. When had he taken off his helmet? “Rest Lance,” she ordered, and Lance felt his mind drift and his body go heavy as he collapsed into his sister’s arms.

He wasn’t sure what was happening when he woke up because he barely remembered what happened when he’d fallen asleep. He figured out quickly that his hands were bound behind him, and he was hunched over on his knees. He blinked absently at the ground. What had happened?

Clearly, he had been captured, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Why should he? Voltron would live on without him, and they had an excuse to find a more capable blue paladin now. They would abandon him. Why risk the team for someone as useless as he was after all?

There were people talking around him, but he wasn’t sure what they were saying. It was like a buzz of noise in the back of his head. It overlapped with something that was panicking, but it was drowned out by everything else. Lance let out a long breath. He should probably try to survey his surroundings. He was captured, he would probably be tortured for information, and his team might think him useless, but he wouldn’t forfeit anything to these people. He would go out doing at least one things right.

“Lance?” He heard his mothers voice and he wanted to sob. “Child, look up please.” It was so soft and warm and welcoming. Lance found himself doing as asked without even questioning anything because why would his mother be in space? Why would his mother have him tied up? Still, he looked up. The room spun, some cross between his old home on earth and someplace scary--someplace he shouldn’t be. He focused on his home. Focused on the smell of cinnamon and hibiscus from those candles his mother loved so much. He focused on the sound of the ocean in the air from the beach that was so close, the beach he’d wasted countless hours with his family at. The beach where he’d learned to swim and to surf. Where he’d had his first kiss with (much to his horror) his older siblings watching from behind the sand dune. He focused on the furniture, still as dated as always, but filled with history. Of countless games of the floor is lava, where he dogpiled with his siblings after a long day in the summer. He focused on her mother standing before him, and she looked so sad.

“Mama, I’m so sorry,” he whispered. He knew she was sad because of him. Because Lance had gone missing--because he looked so broken and empty. “I can’t do this anymore. I thought I could. If I could hold on for you and for my family, I could keep going despite how hard it was. No one believed in me, mama, but I tried. I tried so hard and I’m tired now. I can’t do this anymore.” He felt broken and shattered, like everything that made him Lance was gone. He felt numb.

“I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t! If I keep going—” his eyes lowered to the floor. “I don’t have much more of myself to lose mama. If I keep going, there won’t be much of your baby boy to return to you.” He felt a hand on his face, warm and gentle, coaxing him to look up.

“I know it’s hard for you, mi hijo. You’ve been so brave and so strong. I miss my boy. I miss your smile. I miss my Lance.” He felt his lip quiver, but he knew he had no tears to shed. Even if he wanted to cry, he knew they wouldn’t come.

“I’m tired.”

“I know,”

“I want this to stop,” he admitted. “I gave them everything I have, and I don’t have anything else to give, Mama. I wish—” he wished he could go back. Go back to when he stared at space in wonder. When he could laugh and joke and not feel like he was about to be berated for daring to feel happy. He wished he could go back to before he had to start faking a smile.

“Lance, what if I could reset the clock. You’ve given so much of yourself for the sake others, it isn't fair. I want you to be whole again. I want you to be my Lance. How would you like that?” He reached up to grasp his mother’s hand. It was warm and cold, and the room shifted again to the other place briefly, but his mother was still standing there. His mother who wanted the best for him. His mother who wanted to help him.

“I can see the shattered pieces of your soul, Lance,” The voice shifted slightly. It wasn’t as warm and inviting, but it was still his mother, right? “I can fix it for you, all you have to do is say yes.” Something is Lance’s mind was warning him to decline, but why should he. What good was he the way he was now? He was nothing, he felt like nothing. He pretended that he was fine so much that he failed to realize just how much of himself was slipping away into nothingness until it was too far gone.

Lance was numb, and he would do anything to get rid of this feeling.

“All you need to do is say yes,” his mother cooed, and he felt the words slip from his mouth immediately.

“Yes.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh no."

The Aftermath of the fight was terrible. Keith had left Lance behind. He hadn’t wanted to, especially after the crap that had spewed out of his mouth before they parted, but Lance was right. He was their best fighter and he was needed in the sky, so he went. He went and swore to himself that he would get Lance back. He needed to sit down and have a chat because truthfully, Keith hadn’t meant what he said. He was tired and frustrated and had nearly seen his teammate be crushed to death. He debated whether seeing Lance be crushed by ruble would have been less painful than the void look he gave him right before they continued their escape.

Keith had been too focused on getting back to his lion to even realize Lance was no longer behind him. He just wanted to get off the surface, get lance back to the castle so he could join the fight in blue, but Lance was missing, and Keith didn’t know if he had time to backtrack. So he signaled Lance, and reluctantly fled to the sky to fight when Lance had ordered him to go (since when did he take orders from Lance?).

It was chaos during the retreat. Allura declared their defeat inevitable. This whole thing must have been a trap, and there were too many Galran ships for them to fight back, so an opening was made and the lion’s recalled, and Keith was flipping a shit.

“We can’t leave!” he yelled as Shiro held him back. He could have sworn he heard that pidge was going to get Lance. He didn’t know why he thought that, but when she arrived without him he flipped. “Lance is still on the surface, we can’t leave him there! I told him I would go back for him!”

“Keith, we don’t have a choice. Lance will be fine.” Although the doubt was obvious is Shiro’s voice. Keith doubted it. No one had seen Lance right before they’d separated. No one had seen how…empty he looked. Keith doubted he would even put up a fight in that condition.

“We can’t leave him!” he yelled louder, his temper creating a reaction from his lion, who roared threateningly down at Shiro. She looked ready to pounce, but Black reacted to, clearly telling her to stand down.

“We’ll get him back, Keith,” Shiro promised. He said it a little louder so the others could hear. “Lance will be fine, we’ll do anything we can to get him back.” But the doubt was still clear in his voice. Keith tore himself free from Shiro, fully aware they’d already jumped through a wormhole. There’s was a weird shift in gravity for a fragment of a second. They’d escaped and they’d left lance behind. They’d left Lance behind.

“If anything happens to him,” Hunk shot, a look darker than anything anyone had ever seen plastered across his face, “I am blaming both of you.” That was fair, although Keith would blame himself more than anything Hunk could manage. He was an ass. He’d always been an ass. He wasn’t very good at communicating either, preferring to vent his feelings through physical combat than actual words. And when he did try to use words, they were usually hurtful. He needed a filter, but it was no excuse. Lance had always presented himself as a punching bag, and Keith had taken him up on it. He hadn’t realized how much it must have been effecting the blue paladin until that fatal shot he took back on the surface.

“I’ll be on the training deck,” Keith huffed, storming from the room because what else was he supposed to do? Shiro would inform Allura of the situation, and they would work towards a solution. He wished he could go about trying to hack signals to find their lost paladin, but his skills didn’t lie in that field. His skills revolve around instinct and his ability to hit things strategically hard. He was useless in this situation.

“God dammit,” he huffed, sprinting the last leg to the training deck. He reached the room and instantly shouted out a level. It was a higher level, a more challenging level. Keith didn’t want to have to think for a while. He still did. He thought about Lance. He thought about how much shit he had given the other boy. He wished he’d realized sooner just how dumb he was being. To little to late. Now Lance was gone, and Keith blamed himself.

He sliced through the bot with extra force, screaming as he charged the next one. It’s not like he didn’t know Lance was improving. Hunk pointed it out enough times when Lance drew the short stick of Allura’s judgment. Pidge advocated for him as well. They all knew Lance was improving, but they never gave him enough credit, because it never was enough. It should have been enough though. They should have given him more credit. He got into the garrison. Even if he wasn’t originally fighter class, he got in. That’s one of the hardest schools to get accepted to, and they still treated him like shit.

“I’m an asshole,” Keith mumbled as he finished off the last bot. “End training sequence.” He finished on a level ten above where he had originally begun. He hadn’t even realized so much time had come to pass. “I’m a jerk. This really is my fault. He dropped to the ground trying to catch his breath.” Too little too late though. Too little too late.

He didn’t know how long he sat there before the alarm’s sounded. Keith was still in his armor, so he jumped to his feet and ran up to the bridge, although his usual urgency seemed to have faded. He was still the second to arrive (or maybe first because he assumed shiro had been there the whole time) and was soon followed by Pidge and Hunk.

“We’re being hailed by an enemy Galran ship,” Allura explained and Keith’s blood ran cold. They had Lance. They had to have Lance. Why else would they call? They’d probably tortured him or worse. Keith wasn’t sure he’d be able to forgive himself if Lance had been tortured for information.

“Are you going to stand there or answer?” Pidge asked, clearly irritated. She wanted Lance back as badly, and she was clearly happy to blame both Keith and Shiro based on the way she glared at them.

“I just want you all to be ready,” she warned. “We don’t know what they may have done to him.” She signaled Coran, who accepted the incoming transition, and the first thing they saw was Lance. Perfect Lance who looked untouched. Lance who wasn’t even looking at them. He was still in his armor, helmet sitting beside him on the floor. He was sitting back on his knees, hands behind his back and fastened to a pole. He looked relaxed, head slumped forwards as if he were asleep. Hunk called out first.

“Lance! Lance can you hear me?” he sounded so desperate, and Lance didn’t respond. Pidge called out to him as well, but it was the same result. There was just lance in the screen, looking half asleep.

“I couldn’t bring myself to harm him, you know,” someone spoke, and they all immediately recognized it as Haggar. She stepped into view of the camera. “I have to wonder what his own teammates could have done that left him looking so broken by the time I found him. He’s an empty shell of a boy.”

“If you hurt him—”

“As if you’re one to talk, my champion. I saw his memories, I know what you’ve done,” her eyes trained on Keith. “I know what you said,” she hissed, a smile growing on her face. “The legendary paladins of Voltron can’t even validate or protect one of their own, so who’s going to believe they can do the same for the rest of the universe. Of course, you’re missing a Paladin now, and something tells me that your little blue lion won’t be giving up this cub so easily so long as he’s still alive.” Keith wondered what memories this woman had actually been able to see.

“What do you want then?” Allura asked. “For his return.”

“Nothing,” was the witch’s response, and it left them all confused. Was she saying she wanted nothing from them? That she was going to keep Lance? “I’ll give him back to you in due time, but first—” she turned away from them and crouched before Lance. She placed herself at an angle so that they could still easily see Lance. “Lance?” she spoke nothing about her voice changing, still as demanding, as rough as they were used to. “Child, look up.” And he did. It was slow, but Lance lifted his head and looked up at the witch. What the team saw froze them in their place. Lance looked, empty. There was a slight violet hue in his eyes, evidence of the witches magic, but he looked, devoid of anything. He looked soulless like there was nothing left to him.

“What did you do to him?” Hunk demanded and Keith wondered how he was still so solid. That wasn’t Lance. That wasn’t even the Lance Keith remembered seeing before they departed. Whatever he was looking at was much much worse.

And then Lance started to speak. He spoke as if he were talking to his mother. He spoke and his voice sounded so broken and so empty. It was chilling to watch and chilling to hear, but none of them could look away as their blue paladin voiced his struggles—his weariness. The more he spoke, the worse Keith felt, he could tell the others felt the same. They should have noticed, they should have done something. They were supposed to be a team, so why was it that they seemed to exclude Lance?

When the witch was done, they thought she would turn around and laugh at them for the mess they created, but it didn't happen. Instead, they finally understood why she was going to give him back for nothing. She believed he was a broken shell of a person, what good would he do for Voltron in this state, but then the witch spoke.

“What if I could erase all the damage? You’re spirit's shattered, but I can fix it,” she promised. “Just say yes.” And no matter how much the paladin’s protested, they knew Lance couldn’t hear them. They could do nothing but watch as their blue paladin agreed to the witches offer. They could only watch as she stole his gaze and poured her magic into his mind. Then the witch stood up, and she smiled at them.

“This is a mess of your own making,” she informed, giving them one last smile before ending the transmission.

They all stood there in silence for god knows how long. It took them some time to process it, and then suddenly Keith was on the ground. Hunk was laying into him in the biggest bout of aggressiveness that no one ever expected to come from him. He was screaming at Keith. “This is your fault.” And while the red paladin tried to block the blows with his arms, he didn’t argue against the accusations. This was his fault, and if Hunk wanted to take it out on him, who was he to deprive him of it. This is basically what Lance did for all of them after all, isn’t it? This went on until Shiro was able to pull the larger fellow away.

“I know what you told him, Keith! Your comm was still on. We all heard what you said!” He yelled although it was clear the others must not have heard it because they looked like they had no clue what was happening. “You want to enlighten them, Keith, about the wonderful words you decided to share with Lance?” He didn’t want to, but everyone was looking at him expectantly.

“I didn’t mean what I said, I didn’t mean to say it like that. I’m not good with words and it’s not an excuse, but—” he breathed, “I told him that we needed him because there wouldn’t be time to find a replacement Paladin if something happened to him.”

Pidge’s face went red “You said that!” she growled. “You actually said that to his face.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Then how did you mean it?” Hunk demanded.“Did you even think before you spoke? You know he’s been struggling with his place on the team and then you turn around and say that to him!”

“I didn’t want anything to happen to him! I don’t want a replacement either. I was trying to be reassuring, it’s just. I’m not very good at this okay? I wanted to clarify what I meant when we got back to the ship, but we left him behind!” he snapped. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know this is my fault. You can hate me all you want, but I’ll find a way to fix this.”

“It’s not like you’re the only one at fault,” Pidge mumbled, “Lance is a try hard, and he’s not stupid, but he has a particular set of skills that none of us could find much use for in our situation. We were all too hard on him. Maybe not Hunk. As far as I know, Hunk has never been anything but supportive. And I know I was a little hard on him sometimes, but you, Shiro, and Allura never seemed to give him a break. This was a long time coming and we should have noticed it sooner. We shouldn’t have been so hard on him.” But again. Too little too late.

“So, then what are we going to do about it?” Hunk asked, from behind Shiro who was acting as a buffer, convinced Hunk was still ready to pounce.

“We wait,” Allura announced, although she looked pained to say it. “The witch said she would return Lance to us, with no leads to go off of, we have to trust she’ll keep her word. And when we have Lance back, we all need to apologize and fix what we broke.”

“You talk like it’ll be an easy solution,” Hunk shot. “Like a little apology will make him spring back to his usual self.” He shook his head, “I can’t deal with any of you right now. You better hope that if we get Lance back, there will still be something to fix.” And then he left. He left and he didn’t look back and for the next week, avoided everyone except for Coran and Pidge.

The relationship between the Paladin’s was shaky at best and slowly deteriorating at worst. With every passing day with no news about Lance, Hunk grew more irritated. Keith ended up spending more time in the training room than usual, opting to avoid eating with the team in an attempt to avoid the others. Pidge was running herself dry searching for any sign of the witch’s location, any sign of her friend and teammates location. Shiro…He was hard to read. He was stoic as usual, able to keep pushing on, but he was quiet.

It was a week before they heard anything, and it came in the form of an SOS signal in a random part of space. It wasn’t a difficult decision to investigate, and upon arrival they found a single shuttle drifting along in the void. Hunk was already in his lion before anyone could debate whether it could be a trap or not. He didn’t care. If there was a chance Lance was on it, he was going.

Having completed the simple retrieval, Hunk carefully deposited the shuttle in the hanger bay.

“I scanned it before bringing it into the castle,” he infomed, rushing out of his lion. “There was only one life sign inside. It has to be Lance.” Because who else could it be? Still, they kept themselves armed, just in case it wasn’t Lance. Hunk was the one to open the door and immediacy leaped in when he saw who was inside. Lance had been carefully deposited inside, his paladin armor folded beside him, while he wore casual clothing identical to his signature style.

“Lance?” Hunk yelled, carefully carrying the lanky teen out of the shuttle. He was still breathing which was good. He was alive, and he didn’t look physically harmed. He looked healthy, almost like he was glowing.

“Should we put him in a pod?” Pidge asked. There didn’t appear to be anything wrong with him. Not physically.

“As a safety precaution, yes. We don’t know what the witch did to him.”

“None of you are touching him,” Hunk shot, ready to lift Lance back off the ground and caring him to the med bay, but before he could do so the tanned teen moaned softly in his sleep. His eyes fluttered open slowly and he blinked up at them. He focused on Hunk first and the boy beamed. It was startling. They hadn’t seen him smile like that before. It radiated pure joy.

“HUNK!” Lance yelled, back rolling into a crouch and immediately spinning around to tackle hug his best friend. Hunk wrapped his arms around Lance in return, hugging him tightly in return.

“Hey buddy, how are you feeling.”

“Tired at best. Weird at the worst. Something feels wrong. Not sure what it is though.” He leaned back and gave Hunk a one over. “Okay, dude, I know we were talking about cosplaying at a convention, but how could you go about making a costume without me? We decided to do something together! What are you supposed to be? A Power Ranger?”

“Uh…”

“Lance?” Allure spoke, stepping forward. It shocked Lance, and he spun around, only to freeze, but not because of Allura. He’s gaze landed on Shiro.

“Holy—what—how?” He turned back to Hunk and grabbed him by the neck, pulling him in close. “That is the Takashi Shirogane! My hero! The coolest dude ever! He’s what motivated me to apply to the Garrison, and he’s standing right before me!” he paused. “Why is he standing before me. Last I recalled he went missing in space.”  
Hunk froze and leaned away.

“Lance, what’s the last thing you remember?”

“What do you mean? Buddy, we just started our second year at the Garrison!”

“Oh. Oh no.” Hunk shot to his feet, Lance slowly came with him. “Oh no. Oh no. OH no. This is bad. This is really bad?” Lance cocked his head confused. He knew Hunk would get like this sometimes when he panicked, and he was in the process of stepping forward to try to calm him down when he realized Shiro and Hunk were not the only people there.

“You’re Keith!” Lance shouted louder than he intended. “Dude, you were the talk of our freshman class. They said they’ve never seen a pilot like you. I’m super stoked to see you fly, maybe you can give me some tips sometime. I wanted to go into fighter class, but they placed me as a cargo pilot going into second semester. A bit of a let down sure, but I still get to fly. I’m sure mama’s relieved though. Cargo piolet is significantly less dangerous than a fighter pilot. And now I’m rambling. Sorry, I’m rambling. I’m Lance by the way. Lance McClain, it’s nice to meet you.” Keith stared, not sure how to react to the outstretched hand. Lance kept it there for a while before realizing that Keith wasn’t going to move. It was okay though, he had noticed something else.  
“Dude, are all of you cosplaying or something?” He asked. “Hunk, did you replace me with a group you found online or something?”

“Lance?” Allura tried again, concern on her face, but Shiro stopped her.

“Lance, what’s the last thing you remember?” Shiro asked, trying to understand the situation.

“The last thing I remember? Um... we just Started classes a few weeks back. It’s second year. Overdone still hated me, but Pidge, Hunk and I are still grouped together do I’m sure i’ll Survive.” The entire group shared a glance, one Lance couldn’t comprehend. He felt like he’d been left out of a massive secret.

“Lance, do you remember a massive robot called Voltron?” He gave Pidge an odd look.

“Again, is that a spin-off of Power Rangers or something?” He asked, which was enough of an answer.

The witch had stolen Lance’s memory and he didn’t remember anything that had to do with Voltron. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, i ended up leaving for a training program before i finished this and they keep us super busy. I don't have a lot of free time, so I write when i can. Also i added a chapter. 
> 
> I did very limited editing on the chapter, so sorry if there are things that are off. There is just a lot of stuff i have to do today.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There's a command class?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I thought this was going to be two chapters? I really thought it would only be two. I thought i could pull off a short fic. I WAS WRONG
> 
> Anywho, this is now a longer multi fic which shorter chapters which means i may be able to update more frequently, but I can't and won't promise anything.

Lance was hard to keep track of, but it wasn’t his fault (yes it was). No one knew how to explain to him everything he’d missed and so they opted to wait it out and see what happened (Hunk refused this option, but Shiro managed to convince him otherwise). Technically, Hunk was supposed to keep an eye on him. Lance trusted Hunk more than he trusted or knew the others, so it was the obvious choice. The main problem was Lance couldn’t sit still. The team knew it was possible, they’d seen Lance sit through entire war meetings before with no problem, but this wasn’t the Lance they'd come to know during their space adventure.  
  
This Lance was something different now. He was still as loud and flamboyant as ever, but unapologetically so, and much less hesitant. It was just his nature. He didn’t even realize he was being too much, and others were hard pressed to point it out to him (that was, after all, part of why they'd landed in this mess). Oh no, Lance, as he was now, was a new person. He was so blissfully unaware of all the emotional trauma he'd suffered before that it was almost as if gravity itself couldn't hold him down. He spent much of his day running around the ship like a child on Christmas morning searching through every nook and cranny of the castle as if trying to find an easter egg. The team thought he wouldn't eventually wear himself out. The team had been wrong.

Lance as he was now had an unending well of energy. Honestly, no one knew what to do with it. He hadn’t been like this before. Heck, he hadn’t smiled like that before. Lance had been snarky and would crack jokes, but his smile wouldn't last. The moment would pass and it would fall off his face and he would focus on whatever he'd been doing before. It wasn't like that anymore. Now, Lance bursts into a room, a grin as bright as a supernova, and goes off about some awesome something he happened to discover in some random wing of the castle.

It hurt to see.

This Lance hadn’t been weighted down by the self-doubt his team inflicted on him. This lance was what came before Voltron. This wasn’t a Lance the team had ever seen before. He was so much lighter and had an energy about him that pulled everyone in. The lance they had grown used to was still as loud and boisterous, but it had been different. It had been annoying at best. This wasn’t annoying, this was just happiness. This wasn’t lance trying to cope, this was Lance just geeking out because he could.

“Hunk, we are in Space!” Lance declared for the umpteenth time. He was having a hard time wrapping his mind around it. He’d been having a hard time wrapping his mind around a lot of things. They hadn’t kept everything from him of course. They were easing him back into what he'd forgotten. They kept the fact that Lance had been a member of Voltron a secret for the time being, but didn’t keep what Voltron was used for a secret; or why they were in space with giant lions fighting an alien race.

Lance as he was felt like a breath of fresh air. No one realized how heavy the atmosphere around the castle had become until Lance came back. It was like he cleaned out the dust and everyone could breathe a little better. They realized Lance had always been doing that for them since they first arrived in space, but they'd failed to realize he was their filter until he’d stopped. Because how could he clear the air, if the air was suffocating him? How could he do anything for anyone else if he could barely stop himself from breaking down? How could the others not have realized how much Lance was doing for them?

It was Allura who eventually decided to bring Lance down to the training room. He’d been spending a lot of time running around the castle, and she wanted to sap his energy (if that was even possible). As much as his energy lifted the mood for the other paladins, it could also be exhausting on those around him (pidge) if they were not careful. So, to training they went (with Shiro supervising of course).

“We are at war,” Allura declared, handing Lance his bayard (which the witch had so graciously returned to them, as well as the paladin armor), “And since you are here with us, it would be smart for you to learn to defend yourself.” The small item immediately warped into a rifle, and Lance whistled.

“This is beautiful,” he practically sang, tossing the weapon up and down, weighing it in his hands. “I like this a lot. It’s perfectly weighted, super light.” He raised the weapon up, aimed at something on the far wall and fired. Lance whistled again. “I get to keep this right?” Allura stared dumbstruck. Had Lance always been that comfortable with a weapon?

“Yes, Lance. It’s yours to keep,” Shiro informed since Allura was still gathering her thoughts. “It warps into whatever type of weapon your most comfortable with.”

“Wait…Any kind of weapon?” He asked staring at the blaster. It started to glow again and stretched into a rifle. Lance whistled again, a massive grin on his face. “ALRIGHT!” he cheered happily. “Bring on the targets! Let me shoot something!” Shiro glanced at Allura and shrugged. Allura nodded her understanding and activated a first level training sequence for a ranged weapon. They weren’t sure what to expect, Lance had shown himself lacking in many ways before. He wasn't unskilled, but he had been lacking; however, the more they watched, the more surprised they became.  
  
Drones circled around the lanky teen, ready to strike, but lance was quicker. He made fast work of the bots, easily switching the bayard back and forth between his two weapon styles and decimating everything within his range. He smiled as he trained, clearly enjoying himself--acting as if this were a game, which, to Lance, it probably was. This wasn't a war he remembered. He didn't recall the severity of battle. He probably didn't understand how important this was yet, but he would have to learn eventually. Allura and Shiro would tell him eventually, but for now, they stood safely off to the side and let Lance continue through the levels. They figured he would stop when he grew tired, or he would be stopped when he reached a level he couldn’t beat. They hadn’t anticipated how many levels the Latino would be able to blow through before Shiro decided enough was enough.

“Stop training sequence,” he called as Lance did one last roll to the side, shifting back to his rifle and snipped a bot across the room before everything deactivated. He’d long since shed his jacket and had just been going after everything with strategic reckless abandon. There was a layer of sweat dripping down his skin and coating his forehead. He was breathing quickly, clearly exerted from the exercise, but he still seemed chipper.

“Wait, why are we stopping?” He asked, looking over to his seniors.

“Because you’ve been at this for nearly an hour and you need a break. We wanted to gauge your ability, as well as provide an outlet for all the energy you apparently have, but you’ve lasted longer than either of us expected." Allura informed, approaching him with Shiro in tow. "You’ve gone through nearly thirty levels. I didn’t realize you were this proficient.”

“Oh. Well, I did go to a military academy. I was hoping to be a fighter pilot, but my skills landed me in the cargo pilot class, which meant I spent a lot more time training with weaponry. Cargo ships get raided obnoxiously often, which means I need to be able to defend them in a worse case scenario. Iverson liked to tell me I was shit at everything until I had a gun in my hands," he shrugged, "Maybe he was right, maybe he was wrong. I dunno. What I do know is I have a steady hand and good aim. Of course, I couldn't be shit at everything though. Before we left, Iverson was talking about transferring me to command. He said my piloting skills were subpar, but my ability to read the situation and act accordingly was on par with…well, with you actually, Shiro. But then Keith dropped out and I was given the option of joining the fighter pilot class, and I think Iverson’s been mad at me for choosing that over command since. He was always harder on me than he used to be. Might be my fault though.”

“Wait…hold on. Before you left for where Lance?” Shiro asked, having picked up on his wording. “You said before you left, Iverson was thinking about moving you to command. Where did you go?” Lance blanked. The smile he wore slid off almost eerily as his gaze grew incredibly distant. After a few seconds, his face scrunched up.

“I don’t—I’m not—What?” Lance looked confused, horribly confused. “I didn’t go anywhere. I don’t think I did. I mean…I guess I did go somewhere since I’m here but…I don’t actually remember how I got here so…” This seemed to be the first time this really struck Lance. “Holy shit…wait. How did I actually get here?” He dropped his weapon pressing his palm against his temple, trying to focus on a memory that didn’t seem to exist, and it made his head ring. Like he was inside of a bell inside of an echo chamber. His head was ringing and ringing and ringing. “Just make it stop!” he yelled, not fully aware of where he was or what he’d been doing.

Shiro had been the first to respond as soon as Lance had started to break down. The teen was pulling at his hair, eyes squeezed shut as if in pain, and Shiro immediately jumped forward. He knew a panic attack when he saw one--knew if Lance didn’t calm down soon he’d likely pass out from lack of airflow. He carefully pulled Lance's hands free of his hair and kept him and braced him against his chest, speaking quietly about anything. He tried to get Lance to breathe, but it was like the teen couldn’t hear him, and as predicted, it wasn’t long until he slumped against Shiro unconscious. Shiro was careful as he lowered him to the ground, Laying him flat on the ground for the moment. If he didn’t wake up soon, then he’d carry him back to his room.

“What just happened?” He asked Allura, but she seemed as dumbstruck as he.

“It may have been the witches magic. If I’m being truthful with you, Shiro, I didn’t believe there to be a way to erase memories. The most one could do is seal memories away, which was a common practice with certain trauma’s back home, but it was for an isolated memory, not huge spans of time.”

“Well, the witch has proven time and time again that her limits are not ones we’re ever able to predict. But let’s assume that his memories are sealed away, is there a way to bring them back? And would that be dangerous?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “For now, we should probably wait until he wakes up to see what his current mental state is, but—” she sighed. “Was he always this well versed with his Bayard?”

“Yes, he was. Maybe not when we first started--and I think he has some form of muscle memory regarding his use of the bayard--but he was always fairly proficient. At the very least, he was a fast learner, but that’s not what surprises me. Lance has proved before that he can carry his own, even if we never really saw it—even if it was overshadowed by other paladins—but—” Lance was apparently full of surprised. “Command is a field that a cadet can only be accepted to if recommended by a teacher. It’s an intensive course meant to produce leaders, generals, and tacticians. It’s not an easy route to take. Most cadets would hop on an opportunity like that. Lance didn’t. I don’t know why he didn’t, but the fact that Iverson saw fit to recommend him says a lot about Lance in general.”

“I don’t understand.”

“It means that we’ve been sorely underestimating Lance’s ability this entire time. If he was being recommended for command, then Iverson believed Lance had a mind for strategy. That was the key trait. Being able to see everything happening around you and not only being able to act accordingly, but being able to lead others to act accordingly as well. If your enemy was two steps ahead of you, we were trained to be five steps ahead of them.”

“So Lance is a tactician?”

“He has the potential to be. He has the mind for it, assuming what he said is true.”

“What reason would he have to lie?”

“None at all.” Allura thought on it for a moment.

“I’ll have to ask him about it when he’s feeling better. If what you say is true, then he may prove to be much more useful in the coming battles.”

“If what he says is true, then I suddenly feel a lot worse about every time I berated him for breaking formation.” Because Shiro had also been a part of the command program. They’d recognized his leadership abilities as soon as he’d entered the Garrison and took full advantage of it by adding on the command program's course load on top of his regular course load. So Shiro had experience around the other kids in the program, and he firmly believed their brains were wired differently. Even though most of them weren’t initially aware of what they were capable, they saw things differently. They analyzed the world around them differently. Their solutions weren’t anything like what normal cadets would come up with. “Odds are he picks up on small things and reacts instinctively. It’s why they trained cadets in the command program. Most of us weren’t even aware of what we were subconsciously doing until someone pointed it out to us. Training helped us hone it.”

Shiro realized how blind he had been this entire time. Of course, Lane would have been recommended for command. If he really thought back on it, the evidence was there, but Lance lacked the temperament of most of the cadets Shiro knew from the program. He was goofy, and the Garrison couldn't take that from him. He was a jokester, and Shiro had dismissed any suspicions he may have ever had based on that, but the evidence was there.

Lance had an eye for when people needed help, it was almost like a sixth sense. Even in the middle of a battle, it’s like he always knew where everyone was and knew everything that was happening. But he was also Lance. He wasn't always the best at articulating his thoughts, and that resulted in the motormouth no one had bothered to try to decipher. The longer it went on, the less seriously they took him. Shiro wasn't surprised he hadn't noticed Lance's skills. He hadn't been looking, and any hint he may have shown Shiro had brushed off as luck or coincidence. Still, he was annoyed at himself for his oversight. He’d never given Lance the chance to show he had this skill.  
  
“I’m going to take him back to his room. I'm going to ask Hunk if he knew about Lance's promotion to command class. If anyone here would be able to confirm this, it would be him, assuming they were as close at the Garrison as they are here.”

“I still plan to ask about it when he wakes up. If he can give us an advantage, then I’m willing to see what he’s capable of.”

“Sad it took him losing all his memories for us to realize this.”

“We make mistakes, Shiro. We learn from our mistakes. The Lance we have with us now—”

“He smiles and I feel guilty,” Shiro admitted. “He smiles and I’m stuck wondering if he ever smiled like that before the witch caught him. I think back on it and wonder if I’m so surprised to see him smile because I can’t remember the last time I saw him smile. I was thinking about that. Before we left Lance behind, I can’t recall the last time I saw him smile. He’d changed a lot and none of us had noticed. None of had cared to noticed. We need to be better.”

“And we will,” Allura assured. “Why don’t we discuss this later? You look like you may need some rest as well.” Shiro nodded and crouched down to scoop Lance up.

“I’ll be leaving then.” He carried Lance back to his room effortlessly and left him sprawled out on the mattress. Shiro wasn’t sure he wanted to leave Lance there alone, especially after that episode he’d just had in the training room, but Allura was right. He needed some rest. He was sure Lance would be fine.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're a girl, right?"

Lance woke up knowing he’d had a dreamed, but what he had dreamed of he wasn’t sure. What he was sure about was the aftermath of said unremembered dream. He woke up in a cold sweat, clammy and shaky, short breaths of air filling his lungs at first until he willed himself to calm down. He didn’t remember what he had dreamed about, but he knew it hadn’t been good. The longer he was awake, the faster any grasp he had of the dream faded from his memory.

He stayed in bed for a while before realizing he was hopelessly bored and quickly changed clothes and left his room. He let his legs carry him through the halls, they seemed to know where they were going more than his brain did. How they knew where they were going he wasn’t sure, and right when Lance was convinced he was lost, he stopped in front of an open doorway that lead to a garage of sorts. There was all sorts of tools scattered around and machinery littering the floor. Lance knew exactly who he was going to find in there.

“What’s up shrimp?” Lance called to their little green gremlin who was plopped on the floor with a laptop in his lap as usual. The kid was a techno-geek of the best kind. Lance was ecstatic when they'd been grouped together. He hadn't know much about Pidge when he first joined but had heard the rumors. No matter how serious a guy he was, Pidge had been the mastermind behind the Smash Bro’s tournament held in the underground bunkers at the Garrison. How he’d managed to smuggle the game onto campus and pull the whole thing off multiple times without getting caught, Lance could only speculate. But the fact that he had managed to pull it off at all already made him one of the coolest dude he knew.

“I have a name Lance.”

“Right. Sorry Mr. Gremlin.” He ducked away from the screwdriver tossed at his face.

“Can I help you with something? I’m trying to focus.” Lance hummed. He didn’t really need anything from Pidge, his legs had brought him here, and while he doubted they’d brought him here for a reason, he was here now and figured he would make the most of it, but something was bothering him. He wasn’t sure why it was bothering him, but the longer he looked at Pidge, the more prominent the thought became.

“You’re a girl, right?” He decided to come out and ask, shoving his hands in his pockets and not breaking eye contact. Pidge stared at him confused, but something must have clicked because she shifted from confused to understanding.

“You don’t remember the first revelation we had, do you?” And then she laughed. It was a good laugh and it took her a few minutes to calm down. Lance waited quietly, enjoying the short friy’s amusement. “Yes, Lance. I am, in fact, a girl. The faculty at the Garrison already knew me as Katie Holt and so I applied under an alias.”

“Pidge Gunderson.”

“Bingo!”

“Well damn. I already thought you were badass, this only cements it in my mind. An annoying badass who needs to learn to take care of himself—herself? Do you care?”

“Not particularly. I respond to anything.” She started typing again, fingers flying a mile a minute over the keys.

“Cool, cool. So I’ll just keep calling you a gremlin then.”

“I will smother you with a pillow while you sleep, Lance.” It was an empty threat, they both knew it. “Do you need something or are you just here to hover?”  
  
“Dunno. I was wandering and ended up here. Why don’t you tell me what you’re up to, oh great champion of the super smash tournament.” She smiled but didn’t look up from her screen.

“I’m creating a program that will use the castles radars to search for any signs of Galra prison camps. I think both my father and my brother are being held somewhere, I just haven’t found out where yet.”

“So, they're alive?”

“Until I see a body they are,” she huffed. “And I haven’t seen a body yet so—”

“Then I’m sure they’re still alive.” Lance sat down, bracing himself with his arms as he leaned back. Pidge's obsession with the Kerberos mission suddenly made sense. Yes, everyone was upset by what happened, but Pidge had always appeared more…invested. Half her family had been on that mission. Go figure. The world made a little more sense now. Still, he wondered how Pidge had gotten out here into the furthest reaches of space. He wondered how any of them had gotten out into wherever they were in space.

 _Malestuse system,_ his mind provided, as well as a list of coordinates. He blinked slowly, trying to figure out where the info had come from, but he didn’t want to think about it too much it made his head spin. Pidge waving her had in front of his face pulled him out of his thoughts before they wander any further.

  
“You okay, dude?”

“Never better,” he lied. “Can you answer a few questions for me? I dunno, if you’re allowed to or not. Everyone seems to be walking on eggshells around me, and I don’t know why. I know bits and pieces, but manybe you can clarify some stuff?”

  
“I’ll answer what I can, but this isn’t a conversation I’m supposed to have with you. If anyone's going to tell you the whole story, it’s gonna be Shiro.”

“Okay. If you can’t answer that’s fine. I’ll ask Shiro about it later. He’s the leader here, right?”

“For the most part, yes.”

“So then, are you all at war?” That seemed to throw her for a loop, as she paused her typing for a moment before continuing on as if nothing had happened.

“Yes.”

“And you’re one of the people fighting in the war?”

“I am.”

“Was I fighting with you all?”

“Pass.” She said and Lance took that as a yes. The fact that she didn’t want to answer it told him more than enough. It was complicated: if Shiro had to explain it, the answer was probably closer to yes than it was no.

“Okay, so pass on that. You’re at war, and you're one of the soldiers fighting the war even though you’re a shrimp.”

“A shrimp with an IQ three times higher than yours.”

“Uh-huh. So people you’re fighting? A war is fought by at least two opposing sides, so you’re one side, tell me about the other?”

“They’re called the Galra,” Pidge began. “Evil purple space cats hell-bent on taking over the entirety of space. They’re annoying but crafty. They’ve been building up an empire for the past ten thousand or so years, and now, we are planning on tearing it all apart. It’s slow progress, but it is progress. We’re hoping if we can stop them out here, we can keep them away from earth.”

“And you’re hoping that while you fight out here, you’ll find your missing family.”

“Shiro’s still alive, Lance. Who’s to say my dad and Matt aren’t as well?” It was sound logic; a little optimistic, but Lance could do optimistic. Hell, if he couldn’t do optimistic, all crap of existence would likely do him in. There was so much bad in the world…or in the entire universe now, and Lance wanted to—no, he had to see the good sides of everything. Of course his optimism often times came out as deprecating sarcasm, but it’s not his fault. He had been an impressionable young child once, and his older siblings had _corrupted_ him and his innocence.

“You love your family.”

“As if you’re one to talk, Lance. You hardly ever shut up about you and your millions of siblings.”

“There’s ten of us.”

“Like I said. Millions.” He rolled his eyes and reached forward to snap Pidge's laptop closed. She was gonna take a break. 

“I’m lost, show me where the kitchen is so I can eat. Hey! Here’s an idea! You can join me for some grub and fill me in on all the gossip within the walls of this place. You always did know the best rumors. And then—based on the bags under your eyes—you should probably think about taking a nap. No actually, don’t think about it, you’ll decide against it. Take a nap Pidge. You’re sharper when you have a decent amount of sleep.”

“What if I hadn’t had that saved Lance? All my work could have just been lost," She shot staring at device, but there was no bite to her words. 

“You told me at the Garrison you created a program that saved your work every three seconds. I may be having some memory problems, Pidge, but I didn’t forget everything.”

“Why would you remember such an insignificant detail from almost a two years ago?” she huffed, eying her closed laptop, but Lance snatched it from her grip before she could think of continuing.

“I remember a lot of things, Pidge. The smallest bits of information often times end up being very important. You learn that as a brother with six younger siblings. Every detail matters, so I remember the small things. Now let’s go eat.” Pidge sighed but didn’t put up a fight. Now that she wasn’t distracted by numbers, her stomach was making itself known, and food sounded like a good idea.

“I bet all your siblings loved you.”

“Oh yeah, I was the favorite!” Lance gloated, tossing the idea of humbleness into the vacuum of space.

“I can tell. You’re kinda like my surrogate brother, Lance. I don’t think I ever told you that before. But you’re always looking out for me, so thanks.” Lance smiled, something warm spreading through his chest at the sentiment. He rustled Pidge’s hair.

“A brother huh? Hope you're ready for family high-jinks then. I show no mercy!” He threatened jokingly, but Pidge shot him the biggest shit eating grin he’d ever seen, and Lance knew he was done for.

“You don’t start a prank war with anyone in the Holt family, Lance unless you want to end up crying.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“I’ll let you decide for yourself, but proceed with caution.” And then she took off running, Lance chasing after her, hooting with laughter. Pidge hadn’t felt this light and happy in a while, and she was glad that, even though his memories were gone, Lance was still the Lance she remembered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such long breaks between updates. My main focus is school and track, and between the two i don't have a lot of time, but i just finished Finals, so i'm trying to update everything. Season starts next semester, so it's gonna get a lot more hectic, so let's see if i can finish this fic before i head back to school on the 4th. No promises, but i'm try to update more on the break.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading. Please leave a comment if you have the time, i'd love to hear from any of you.


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